As a coach I am obviously a supporter of talking about challenges. Speaking an issue aloud often helps you to solve it without any input from the other person. As long as they are listening, you find the right solution on your own.
But I am also a fan of sharing problems in order to gain insight and feedback from others. What matters most here is that the mindset of the person speaking and the person or people listening is right.
If you are seeking input from others you need to be open about ideas. You need to be able to hear feedback about you or about your situation without a need to explain, justify or give excuses. You need to overlook when people state the obvious as if you are some kind of idiot who can't think of the most simple option! And you have to be able to assess your own reactions to ideas e.g. Am I resistant because this is a bad idea or am I resistant because it is tough to hear the right answer?
At the same time, if you are asked for feedback or ideas by someone else your mindset must also be right. You are not being asked to solve the problem, you are being asked to put some ideas in a pot. You must not be offended if the person rejects all your ideas. Also, you should not assume the person coming to you for advice is inferior in any way to you. They have probably considered all the obvious ideas already. They have probably wrestled with this issue at length before coming to you. This doesn't mean you cannot state the obvious but only to ensure the basics have been covered. Chances are all the obvious ideas are not suitable for a range of reasons. You need to listen and understand what they are without wading in with your wisdom.
If you struggle to listen to advice or find it frustrating to give advice, consider whether the other person is the problem or whether it is your own mindset which needs to change.
This is a great piece. I recently left my emplyer after 12.5 years, in the main they were purposeful, profitable (for all parties) and huge fun. Before I left I asked to see our group CEO. I wrote to him to say that I had listened to and observed our colleagues and customers tell us: why we manage change badly, how we might do it better, and what does good look like. I offered to pass on some of my learning. He agreed and so the date was set and we met.
His arrogance and defensiveness really surprised me. I quickly began to think that rather than read and take in my earlier note - he perhaps thought I'd come to thank him and then listen to some pearls of CEO wisdom. The session was difficult. He behaved like a test cricket batsman, defensive strokes all the time, almost like, how long can I stay at the crease.
I felt insecurity coming from him, lots of it. He seemed to be taking things very personally indeed, despite my best efforts to reassure him this was not the case. You can imagine how I was feeling. I kept thinking, he'll have me out of here in no time. I kept thinking - do we even work for the same organisation?
In the end we spoke for 45 minutes about many things, agreed on a lot, disagreed on a few. I left the meeting drained, awkward and disappointed. He made me feel extremely inferior. Fortunately I have good friends, one of whom suggested to me this was maybe the first time someone had approcahed the guy with an open, constructive, honest view of what the company feels like. It felt like an opportunity missed....until I read your post. Great learning for me, I will send him the link too, maybe he'll feel similar?
Thanks for your insight.
Posted by: Doug Shaw | July 09, 2009 at 09:22 AM